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Good thing Dan drinks, or else all of our friends, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances enemies and strangers would not know how much he loves them.

Ah ha hah ha! This is why I don't drink tequila

people always think I'm drunk after just 2 drinks. When in fact, it's not my fault I'm naturally just a God damn blast

Women are like.

I'm going to open an ice cream shop and name the flavors things like: dont be sad, he's not worth it, you deserve better. That would be awesome!

So true! EVERY single time lol! OCD at the gas station pump.it has to land on the right number or I'm annoyed lol

"I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry." Well I really do get faint and shaky if I don't eat often enough.

Please stop mistaking my wonderful sense of humor as flirtation. Just because I make you laugh does not mean I want you. I'm just naturally hilarious. {I'm not flirting. I'm just funny} customers don't understand

So unbelievably true. If prison was out of the picture: murder. Murder EVERYWHERE.

Funny Confession Ecard: Good friends discuss their sex lives. Best friends talk about poop. (Bestest friends talk about both!

My Glass Needs More Wine - http://funnypicturequotes.com/my-glass-needs-more-wine/ #winememes #WineWednesday

eCard: I feel better about myself when I'm wearing workout clothes because that means I'm one step closer to possibly maybe working out. So true!

'I won't get jealous. I won't get jealous. I won't get jealous. Who's this fucking whore!

Keepin it classy tonight.

I'm glad it's the thought that counts because.I thought about going on a diet and working out before I ate an entire cake and took a nap.

I love a polite dick.hold the door and smack that ass!