bonnie n clyde
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i havent written anything on here in a while. but theres reason for that. i was trying to let go of this account. the pain it held. i shouldve known better. last night i told him i was having a panic attack. i was of course. one of my bad ones. the ones where youre feeling everything all at once even if everything is nothing. one where you feel your chest moving up and down but you cant seem to breathe. one where you feel like everything is pulling you apart but also squishing you together at the same time. the one where you want to cry scream run hide fight lose die. i told him about it which was a mistake. i shouldnt have told him when i didnt even know how to explain it to myself. however im never going to tell him why it started. what triggered it. i mean i rarely have triggers now. usually my attacks start just..because. but this time it was because of some stupid pictures. of him with his ex. i know theres nothing going on there. but it just got me thinking. what if im just a filler..again? what if im just a temporary replacement? someone to make him feel better while hes searching for someone he truly loves. i always thought of myself that way but for some reason this time is worse. so yes i told him about the panic attack. but i will never reveal to him the reason it started. frankly thats not even clear to me. all that is clear is that things are changing. and i feel myself losing him. but i cant tell him. i cant get it out. i cant do that to him again. i need to just.. be okay for now. for him. even if im not okay i need to be okay. i just need him to think so.